ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER