Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
an airline just for babies.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Flock of bats
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it