My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.