Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
You Might Also Like
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Extremely relatable.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*