Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
scares