Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
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A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.