Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
You have been warned.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!