a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
the saddest jazz hands ever
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
me adding lol on a serious message
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
pelicons
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?