Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I see your IQ test came back negative
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.