My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up