They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“You want me to do what?!”🤣