Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks