Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag