A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
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Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
New tinder profile pic
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security