[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
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There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
smartest karate player in the world
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious