Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
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If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
mathematically impossible
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night