Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I’m more of a homeless romantic.