If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I’m having an out of money experience.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?