Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
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*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix