*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
respect
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch