Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
😂🤣😂🤣
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
LMAO
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
meanwhile over on facebook
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW