starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught