May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
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Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
#parenting
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
lmfao
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory