they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
why would tinder want me to say this
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.