An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
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hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Body by Oreos
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
According to math, I’m broke
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope