waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
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Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
The Friday File.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Google assistant rules
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.