I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
When you’re here for the treats.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero