I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
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[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight