Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES