I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
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Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
how it started vs how it ended
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.