“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Godspeed, John Glenn
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist