Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
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internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
A great tip. #CakeRex
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Are we there yet?…
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured