I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
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I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I think about this a lot
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air