I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
nature’s most graceful animal
So we got a goldfish…
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too