“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken