Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
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me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
¯_(ツ)_/¯
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH