Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.