Bond. Trauma bond.
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped