Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
dam girl
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip