I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.