Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Imagine having a party on purpose.