*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
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when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
why would tinder want me to say this
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..