You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Great game to play with friends
wishing you and yours all the best
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?