I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there