me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I think this should do it.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Sorry not sorry.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire