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No, I don’t think I will.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
excuse me
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Friday night party time 🥳
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.