I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
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I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first