MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
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Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!