NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
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You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
emergency phone
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Huge, if true.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée