Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.